Have you ever found yourself going in circles in life? Literally! Like, you had a plan, thought it through, wrote it down, spoke to a trusted friend about it, wrote it again to reaffirm what was about to happen and executed that plan. Suddenly, you found yourself back where you once sat to write out your plan. Let me be real with you; it is annoying, frustrating, and discouraging. However, no matter how frustrating it gets, let me tell you a secret on how I’ve learned to be less susceptible to the problems of life.

Being that I am a firm believer in God, I must say that God has a good sense of humor. And although it may not be as funny to us at the moment, it’s fair to say that He saw that coming. He knew we would have taken our precious time to find a way to come up with a solution that we thought in your human mind would be a good idea. But, let me try to be as transparent as possible with my story when it comes to a failed plan.

Starting in late December, I graduated with my associate’s degree, got accepted into FIU, and moved in with my grandmother. Boy, it was a peaceful 2 1/2 months living there. Yes, you read it correctly. Only 2 1/2 months. Confused yet? Well, While living there, I knew that I couldn’t stay long because there were measures that had to be taken for me to live there without having any issues with the landlord. At the time, I was sure that staying with my grandma until April was not long at all. Unfortunately, I fooled myself when the landlord asked, and I decided to be honest. (P.S. Know your rights when people speak to you lol.) Anyway, after having to move out of my grandma’s house, I was prepared for that to happen. I was discouraged because I thought I formed a great plan.

I remember picking up all my stuff from her house and parking my car somewhere to cry. I told God: ”Lord why do you keep trying me when I have a plan.” On that night I didn’t know where to go…well, I did, but going back home was not where I wanted to be. I was officially stuck. I made phone calls to see where to stay and I kept getting the runaround. Finally, I stayed at a close friends house and reevaluated my life. I asked myself: ”Princess, what the heck are you doing?… Just go back home.” I swear. Deep, deep, deep, deep inside of me I wanted to, but my pride took over me. Finally, I called my cousin because I needed someone to counsel me that night. Although I was not as receptive to her answer, she told me: ”Princess, you need to go home it’s cheaper and better for you.” It aggravated me to hear this because in my mind she had given me the wrong answer. After getting off the phone with my cousin, I called my brother for a second opinion. As I was speaking to him, he then said: “Princess, I know you do not want to go back home… But, home is the better option.” After getting off the phone with him, I found myself laughing. I laughed because I knew that I needed to go home, I knew I had to transfer my job closer to home again, and I laughed because I knew that now my gas tank would be crying because I lived an hour away from school. You see, some would come to there conclusion that my life sucks. But, it more than just sucks it’s funny.

So, what’s the secret to how I solved one of the many problems in my life? Well, I learned to laugh more! I could have chosen to cry, complain, or even find someone to blame. But, who would that be benefiting? Certainly not me. Sometimes in life, you have to remind yourself of this quote: ”when at first you don’t succeed, try again.” So what your plan did not work out the first time! Laugh it out, and try it again. I promise it’s not the end for you. On that note, cheers to life and the many funny stories that will come with it.


Reversed love letter

I tried reasoning with myself and believing that I was the problem. I told myself I was overthinking, and as I thought those thoughts and shared them with you, You made me seem crazy as if everything was indeed ok. But, why did you have to lie for so long ? Wait till I got a little too involved till you finally decided to tell me how you really felt. Were you even going to tell me if I didn’t get it out of you? You knew my intentions were not a game from the beginning. So, when you say “sorry you weren’t clear from the beginning”, remind yourself the times I tried to remove myself from the equation and you wanted to keep whatever “this” was going. Remind yourself of the day you told me “we just need to work on communication, and that’s an easy fix”. Remind yourself of all the bull shit you had to say to me. So, you’re probably jumping ahead of yourself when you say you weren’t being clear. What you should’ve said was that you’re confused and in the event of your confusion, running away from a situation was the best way you knew how. I told God to remove this hurt and disappointment because you weren’t worth it. And I really wish I saw earlier that you were never worth it. I ignored everyone around me who genuinely cared about me. They told me to leave you alone, but I insisted to go along for the ride and ignore their “negativity”. But, now I see that their efforts were to protect me from the hurt I then endured. However, in the end, I held no regret or anger, I am in fact thankful for the experience and life lessons. I was taught, however, an unconventional method, the value exceeds none other and deserve better. I’ve always deserved better ! I learned how to be myself and embrace who I am, flaws and all. For that, I am eternally grateful. I wouldn’t have traded that experience for the world.

The truth is…

Soooo I was talking to a friend and while we were talking she said: “You’re beautiful, but why are you still single?” At first, when I heard the question I thought any women would be able to answer that. You know, men are easy to find, but finding a good man is where it gets tricky. While overthinking the question, I began asking myself “why are you still single”? Well maybe it’s because my nose is too big, my smile is too wide that it scares men away, or maybe it’s that one eye that begins to show it’s irregularities when I’m stressed, or maybe it’s my unclear face. Honestly, The list can go on forever, but there’s probably so many flaws I see in myself that I can think of to determine why I’m still single. But, what you see in yourself is not what others see, so that’s beside the point.

I figured that being honest with myself and others is probably the best way to really get this off my chest. So, Here goes everything. The reason why I’m single is because… it’s just not my time yet.( lol that wasn’t so hard) I’ve seen myself fall and get back up for so-called relationships I thought I could build on. Keyword “I”! Although my reality check slapped me in my face, spat on me and did it all over again, I knew it was going to be okay because, in every situation where I encountered those moments, I had to remind myself that it is not my time. It’s not my time because forcing conversations out of a person is a waste of time, killing yourself to meet certain standards that you know are impossible to reach isn’t worth it, going the extra mile for someone without recognition isn’t fair and crying late nights for someone who will never appreciate you for you is insane.

This year has shown me so much about myself. Things that I would not be able to discover if I had a man in my life right now. I found myself saying “I love who I am with you” but at the same time losing myself as I got lost in all the feels. Don’t get me wrong, feelings are great. They spark this excitement in your soul and your body that is difficult to get rid of. It’s a good feeling. But, it’s not the best when you get lost in those feelings for the wrong person. With the people I’ve dealt with in the past I found myself being dependent on them to fill me with confidence, joy, and happiness that I lacked. Rather than me having all of those traits before trying to build. You know, that typical “girl syndrome”. When I realized the problem, I knew that I had to fall in love with myself because like that famous saying goes “girl if you don’t love yourself, no one will”. That saying resonated in my mind constantly, and I did just that. But most importantly I fell in love with Jesus. Although to some they may find this cliche, I must admit that there is no greater love than God’s love. So shout out to God for holding it down for the rest of my life.

Anyway, the moral of all of this is that God has someone out there for you. There’s no need to date guys or talk to guys for “the experience”. Because when you think about it you’re simply wasting time and leaving a piece of “you” with them. So, don’t rush God’s process but trust his plan.

Are you happy ? 

    Lately I’ve been asking myself this question numerous time. The question simply asked ” are you happy?” I ask myself in the mirror, in the shower, in my car , in my room, and basically anywhere that I happen to find myself alone. It was a question that became repetitive in my mind, and anyone would probably find it simple to answer . However, for me it wasn’t easy. But, why ? I couldn’t decide what I was really trying to ask myself. Was I trying to decide whether I was happy with certain relationships I’ve been building, was I happy with the women I was becoming, or if I was trying to ask myself whether I was content and happy with everything that comes with this life. Yes, I most likely over thought the question, but I didn’t know what I was truly asking myself. Therefore, my answer remained unclear- I didn’t know if I was happy . This made me figure out what did make me happy. It was the lifetime memories, the company shared with friends and family, the juicy burgers with a side of fries , my dog, and seeing other people genuinely happy . Those key things made me happy . Yet, the question pops back up in my head… “are you happy though? ” So, the question changed from being “are you happy?” To “when you aren’t thinking about the things that make you happy, how do you feel?” That’s when I realized that without any of of the key things I mentioned, then I’m a wreck. I feel lost and a sudden void. I feel like an incompetent reject to the world who has no place of belonging . Sad huh? Truth is, what doesn’t make me happy is feeling alone . How could it even be possible knowing that you may have hundreds of people standing by you, but it still never seems to be enough. I find myself always trying to find a spot in people’s life without realizing that there’s not always a place waiting for me. As I write this I’m crying because it’s such a painful feeling when putting everyone’s happiness before yours has become second nature. That’s how my brain is wired. It’s like getting lost in a maze, without having an escape plan; you’re trapped. So then I ask myself again, “Are you happy?” So here’s the answer. -No ! I’m not happy because each and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing and feel nothing . I’m numb to any possibilities of being happy because consciously nothing seems to be going right . My relationship with God has been failing, I’ve formed toxic relationships and I’m alone. Personally, if I had to pick one reason, my failure began when my connection with God failed. For a moment, I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was capable of solving my own problems. But boy, who was I kidding? It’s crazy because time and time again I get the same outcome. The results were always the same. A life without God is meaningless. When I think about it, maybe this is His way of informing me that in order to be happy, He has to be apart of my life. It’s true, my life is incomplete without Him and when I can’t find peace in this world or in anyone else, I know I can find my happiness and peace in Him. And since I am aware of this love , I find my strength in it. But maybe my happiness just hasn’t found its way around me yet….

19 and a virgin…?

When I was younger, I used to think like every other kid: Sex is gross. My mom often told me that if a guy hugged me I could get pregnant. Obvious the child that I was, hearing that made me afraid. As an obedient child I tried staying away from guys and therefore touchy feely fingers and pregnancy. But let’s be real, how long could I have possibly stayed away? By the time I had entered into middle school, that concept of me seeing guys as being gross turned into “oo he’s kind of cute”. You see, my mindset changed and I figured that I mastered the concept of how to love. Idiotic concept right? But to a 13 year old child, what was happening at that moment in my life was everything. When I got to high school the game changed. The relationships that I had in middle school suddenly didn’t seem relevant; they simply didn’t count. It was as if I was being reborn and offered a second chance, a sort of do over. Oh the excitement! But, I also realized that the guys grew a pair and the “important question” that had to be asked was, “Are you a virgin?” It’s funny though, because I never really knew how to feel when a guy asked me that. I didn’t know if I should have taken offense or answered proudly and said “yes, indeed I am a virgin!” I mean, with all honesty, why did it even matter! It was as if as the years went by and I became more of an adult, the need for a lack of virginity became more and more relevant. Upon entering college I was more assertive when being asked the question. It didn’t offend me, but I also had my guard up for guys who did ask. Yet I still responded confidently without hesitation. There was no shame in me being a virgin because I knew why I was one. Some may find it cliché, but the phrase “I’m waiting till marriage” does apply to me. Truth is, I don’t believe a guy deserves to know me that way if it’s not set in stone that we will be together forever. Virginity is one of the most beautiful things a woman could keep, that’s the way I see it. So I’d never be ashamed of the fact that I’ve saved myself for ‘the one’. My 19 year old virginity is everything to me, and it feels great to know that I’m okay with acknowledging that.