Lately I’ve been asking myself this question numerous time. The question simply asked ” are you happy?” I ask myself in the mirror, in the shower, in my car , in my room, and basically anywhere that I happen to find myself alone. It was a question that became repetitive in my mind, and anyone would probably find it simple to answer . However, for me it wasn’t easy. But, why ? I couldn’t decide what I was really trying to ask myself. Was I trying to decide whether I was happy with certain relationships I’ve been building, was I happy with the women I was becoming, or if I was trying to ask myself whether I was content and happy with everything that comes with this life. Yes, I most likely over thought the question, but I didn’t know what I was truly asking myself. Therefore, my answer remained unclear- I didn’t know if I was happy . This made me figure out what did make me happy. It was the lifetime memories, the company shared with friends and family, the juicy burgers with a side of fries , my dog, and seeing other people genuinely happy . Those key things made me happy . Yet, the question pops back up in my head… “are you happy though? ” So, the question changed from being “are you happy?” To “when you aren’t thinking about the things that make you happy, how do you feel?” That’s when I realized that without any of of the key things I mentioned, then I’m a wreck. I feel lost and a sudden void. I feel like an incompetent reject to the world who has no place of belonging . Sad huh? Truth is, what doesn’t make me happy is feeling alone . How could it even be possible knowing that you may have hundreds of people standing by you, but it still never seems to be enough. I find myself always trying to find a spot in people’s life without realizing that there’s not always a place waiting for me. As I write this I’m crying because it’s such a painful feeling when putting everyone’s happiness before yours has become second nature. That’s how my brain is wired. It’s like getting lost in a maze, without having an escape plan; you’re trapped. So then I ask myself again, “Are you happy?” So here’s the answer. -No ! I’m not happy because each and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing and feel nothing . I’m numb to any possibilities of being happy because consciously nothing seems to be going right . My relationship with God has been failing, I’ve formed toxic relationships and I’m alone. Personally, if I had to pick one reason, my failure began when my connection with God failed. For a moment, I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was capable of solving my own problems. But boy, who was I kidding? It’s crazy because time and time again I get the same outcome. The results were always the same. A life without God is meaningless. When I think about it, maybe this is His way of informing me that in order to be happy, He has to be apart of my life. It’s true, my life is incomplete without Him and when I can’t find peace in this world or in anyone else, I know I can find my happiness and peace in Him. And since I am aware of this love , I find my strength in it. But maybe my happiness just hasn’t found its way around me yet….
When I was younger, I used to think like every other kid: Sex is gross. My mom often told me that if a guy hugged me I could get pregnant. Obvious the child that I was, hearing that made me afraid. As an obedient child I tried staying away from guys and therefore touchy feely fingers and pregnancy. But let’s be real, how long could I have possibly stayed away? By the time I had entered into middle school, that concept of me seeing guys as being gross turned into “oo he’s kind of cute”. You see, my mindset changed and I figured that I mastered the concept of how to love. Idiotic concept right? But to a 13 year old child, what was happening at that moment in my life was everything. When I got to high school the game changed. The relationships that I had in middle school suddenly didn’t seem relevant; they simply didn’t count. It was as if I was being reborn and offered a second chance, a sort of do over. Oh the excitement! But, I also realized that the guys grew a pair and the “important question” that had to be asked was, “Are you a virgin?” It’s funny though, because I never really knew how to feel when a guy asked me that. I didn’t know if I should have taken offense or answered proudly and said “yes, indeed I am a virgin!” I mean, with all honesty, why did it even matter! It was as if as the years went by and I became more of an adult, the need for a lack of virginity became more and more relevant. Upon entering college I was more assertive when being asked the question. It didn’t offend me, but I also had my guard up for guys who did ask. Yet I still responded confidently without hesitation. There was no shame in me being a virgin because I knew why I was one. Some may find it cliché, but the phrase “I’m waiting till marriage” does apply to me. Truth is, I don’t believe a guy deserves to know me that way if it’s not set in stone that we will be together forever. Virginity is one of the most beautiful things a woman could keep, that’s the way I see it. So I’d never be ashamed of the fact that I’ve saved myself for ‘the one’. My 19 year old virginity is everything to me, and it feels great to know that I’m okay with acknowledging that.
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